I thought it was going to be rough breaking in a new OS. I have a hunch my regular OS filled his partner in about me. The new OS (NOS) was armed and ready.
NOS: So, what's going on with your knee?
ME: I was told I need a new one.
NOS: How far can you walk, a block, maybe 2?
ME: From my front door to the mailbox. Every step I take kills me, right up to my teeth.
NOS: Where does it hurt (he's holding my leg out in full extension as I about fly off the table)here, or here?
ME: OWWWWWWW, THAT HURTS!!!!
NOS: Well, from looking at your films and reading the OS report, you need a new knee. You're young, and while it's unusual, they're done much younger. I just did one on a 34 yr old. If you've got to have it, what are you going to do? Why continue to suffer?
ME: Ok, well, I have a ton of questions for you (panic sets in because I can only remember 3 questions).
NOS: Fire away.
ME: Humm, how long will I be on crutches?
NOS: 4 weeks.
ME: FOURRRRR WEEKKKSSSS??? WHY SOOO LONG? WHAT ABOUT TWO? (my voice has become very loud and high pitched)
NOS: Bone takes awhile to grow around the prostesis.
ME: When can I drive?
NOS: About 4 weeks.
ME: FOURRRRR WEEKKKSSSS?? WHY 4 WEEKS?
NOS: If you can prove to me that you can do certain functions, I may allow you to drive sooner (yawn).
ME: Ok, well, how long will I be in the hospital?
NOS: 5 days
ME: FIVEEEE DAYYSSSS??? WHY 5 DAYS????
NOS: OH, QUIT YOUR BITC*ING! IT USED TO BE ELEVEN!!
ME: I'm not a good inpatient.
NOS: Thanks for letting me know. You bitc*, I bitc*.
ME: Oh good, we'll get along great!
NOS: Surgery is approx 1.5 to 2 hrs. After surgery you'll be in recovery, then up to your room.
ME: I have a high tolerance for pain, but I will moan and gripe if you touch my knee and hurt me.
NOS: I expect you will (yawn).
ME: Can I cheat when I'm on crutches? I hate crutches !
NOS: Now that I know you cheat, I'll take a look at your bones and decide if I want to cememt both parts or not.
ME: I cheat all the time, ask anyone. I cheat in cards too.
NOS: That's good to know (yawn)
ME: Egads, I hope you get enough sleep the night before my surgery, I wouldn't want you to fall asleep while you're in my knee.
NOS: It'll be early. It's 2pm now, I have low sugar and it affects me about this time.
ME: Here, have a lifesaver. Oh, and don't be getting any hiccups when your jig sawing my bones off.
NOS: Ok, so, I'm away later this month and will be back the 7th. When would you like to have it done, next week?
ME: WHEN?? NOOOO!
NOS: Well, you need to get a physical, talk with my medical secretary to set a date, and get back here one more time to see me a few days before surgery. (Stands up)It's nice to meet you, and don't worry, you'll be fine. I'll see to it. (Starts walking out the door and out of sight)
ME: OH, WAIT A MINUTE!! We didn't set a definite date down on your notes, did we.
NOS: No, you do that when you call my secretary.
ME: (Wiping brow--speaking softly) Oh, thank God. (Little louder now) I wasn't ready to set a date--thanks.
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ME: (Remembering 2 more questions as he's walking away from me) Ah, excuse me, 2 more questions please. I've seen people have bow legs after knee replacement. Will I have that?
NOS: You have a bow leg now, and I'll have to fix that so it's straight.
ME: What about limping? Will I limp?
NOS: I don't care if you limp, so long as there's no pain.
ME: But I'm only 51, I don't want to limp.
NOS: OK, then you won't limp.
ME: (I sigh now) This is driving me batty.
NOS: Driving you batty? You're batty already.
ME: Thanks Doc, we're going to get along great.
NOS: (Shaking my hand and smiling) Yes, we will.
How'd I do? I may be proud of myself for doing this, I'm not sure.
